June 16, 2023
Hi. It's me. I haven't written anything in over four years. Today, like most days, I am struggling with motherhood. I never thought it would be this hard. Every day I'm in survival mode. I don't know how long I can take this. My kids are constantly fighting and hurting each other. I don't take sides because that doesn't help. Still, I feel like a failure.
I have been a full-time mom since my son was born. That was seven years ago. Yes, it was hard back then, but not like this. We were so happy when we found out we were having a daughter. Everything was going great. 2022 was when things started falling apart. That was the year when my kids started fighting non-stop. Nothing I did or said made them stop. My husband also started getting fed up with the kids. He is constantly hot-headed when it comes to them. I'm writing my feelings down so I don't keep them bottled up. Otherwise, I'd explode anytime soon. All I ever wanted was to become a mother. But now, I don't know why I wanted to be one. I'd hate to say that I regret it. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids with my whole heart, body and soul. But days like this make me feel I shouldn't have brought this hell upon myself, that I don't deserve any of this shit. All I ever did was love them, care for them, watch over them to make sure they don't die from all the accidents they find themselves in. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this? I don't know anymore.
There were days when I'd cry myself to sleep, willing this hell to go away on its own. Then I remembered that having a child was what I wanted, and God gave me two. This is the life I wished for. I could only hope and pray that God would continuously give me the strength to face each day in this battlefield with my kids. I am writing this so that when they're all grown, they'd get to read this and laugh with me - that's if I make it out of here alive.
