MADMAN

Yes. You read right. I'm a madman. Extremely mad. But there's no one to blame. I can't even try to blame myself because it really wasn't my fault. It was supposed to work that way. It was supposed to be just fine. But what the??? Now everything is gone. Vanished. Never to return to me again.

What's worse is that now, I can't even use it. It's ruined. Maybe forever, if they don't get it fixed. I guess you are all mixed up right now. What the f... am I talking about? I don't care. I just want to release this madness I have inside because sooner or later I am going to explode.

Yes, I could blame myself for thinking of using it all of a sudden but I have the right to do so. I own it. I can use it whenever I want. It was supposed to work just fine. But it didn't. I'd have to return it, have it fixed if those people can. If not, then that's just another sum of money gone to waste.

Sigh. I want it all back. All those memories are now forever gone. I'd have to make new ones. Those that would attempt to recapture what I have lost tonight. Another long sigh... I don't know what to do. My day has just been totally ruined. What could make things worse than this?

Thanks for being my shock absorber for tonight. Til next time.

Should I or Should I Not?

I am thinking, should I go or not? I don't know. I can't think.

There's nothing to lose and much to gain. Wait, there's something to lose. Time and effort. So why bother? Wah! I don't know!

I don't know what to do. I think Mommy wants me to but I don't know what I want. Huhuhuhu.

I hope it's Thursday already. Fun day plus the day after that is Friday. Another fun day this week.

I am so excited. Wee. I guess you don't understand what I'm saying here. But I do. That's all that matters. Hehehe. :) Whatever, maybe I should go downstairs and grab something to drink, or maybe eat. Then I can turn on the tv and watch something worth my time. :)

See ya later. :)

Shane for Fighting

Why do I always start a fight? Do I need so much attention? Maybe I start silly fights so that he would notice me. Oh, not just notice - for him to really know I'm there and that I need him. Hahaha. So childish of me. After all this, I still think I'm just very much into him for me to be totally dramatic. I couldn't stand more than 2days of not seeing him. It makes me feel like he's getting farther and farther by the minute. It's not like he's not keeping in touch. It's just that I feel totally awful without him. Awts.

Today, we were supposed to meet but it didn't happen because I had to do some stuff with the family. We've been apart for 3days already and it's killing me. The last time I've been away for 1day longer than this was when I left for Bangkok. I was supposed to enjoy the trip but I missed him so much and that made me really unhappy despite of all the shopping I made.

Love, love, love... Sometimes, in loving someone, I guess you get to a point where you can no longer hold anything back. Like you're gonna explode into pieces due to this overwhelming feeling. That you never wanna be away from the other person. When you're apart, you feel that there's a certain void, yearning to be attended to. Your hand feels weird not having his holding you. Awts.

This is getting to be oh so senti. Hehehe. Better stop now. And try again next time. Wahahaha. :)

PS: I am sorry for starting fights with you. Don't worry, it's just that I love you so much. Yihee! :)

Lazy Thursday Afternoon

What a title? I am always lazy, every afternoon of everyday. What made all the difference? Nothing. Hahaha. :) Today, I was feeling eager to get back to work. But what type of work? I don't know and I am not sure. I am so waiting for Accenture's call. I hope they do because I'd really love to come back. Ryan said they've already met the two new girls added to Blue Flame in replacement of Noda and I, two girls who left the team. :(

It's sad knowing that they've already replaced us but what the heck, it's my fault anyway. I left for selfish and immature reasons. Which are obviously so invalid. I loved the team so much and I miss them everyday. I wish I never left. So today, I made a promise to myself that if I ever get blessed again to be teamed up with that type of bunch, I will never ever leave. Awts.

I know Ryan is sad because I'm not there to be with him everyday. But I feel worse knowing that we could have been much happier had I not left. Pls pls pls. I wanna go back. I know it's not that simple and it just doesn't work that way. Aww.

This morning, Olan, Allan, Julie, and Jaypee called me just as they got out of the office. It made me miss them more. I didn't get the chance to be with people like them from my previous job. People that I am comfortable with. I regret the day I got so hurt and decided to submit my resignation letter.

I guess writing all my emotions down makes my heart feel a little lighter. I know that I should be more careful with making decisions in my life because they could totally turn everything upside down. I know I should have thought about it for a long time. All the should have's... Argh!

I am listening to Neyo's Together over and over again because the first stanza and chorus really means a lot about Ryan and I's relationship. Except the 2nd part of the song which involves cheating and being a player once. Hahaha. We weren't anything like that. I miss him now. Aww. I miss him all the time.

I had a dream yesterday. Something from the past. Plus swimming pools. Haha. This morning, I dreamed of a house party, drinking and all until it got crazy, involving murders and other horrifying stuff. What does that mean? I don't know. It only means one thing, I've been sleeping a lot.

Til here. I'll see ya next time. ;) Oh, plus Daddy left today.

Eye Hurts = I Hurt

It's been a long time. But right now, I just wanted to write something so that maybe I can let some of it out. Today, I woke up really late for my dentist appointment. Not surprisingly, she was also late. I waited for about an hour or so only to be told that maybe I should set another appointment some other day since the dentist won't be coming very soon. I was really pissed because I hurriedly got out of bed even though I was still sleepy just so I could get there when the dentist is so not coming. I knew it was gonna be a bad day ahead from the dental clinic mishap. Oh, even from the moment I woke up since I rarely wake up late for important things I should attend to.

Ryan was also running late. He was supposed to be there by 11am but he overslept. I didn't get mad because I knew he had to sleep since he was tired at work. We headed to the eye doctor to have my eye checked out because there still remains a small lump under my eyelid after my "kuliti" back in April.

I was surprised to know that I was going to be operated. I was scared and a bit shaken up because I came there for a consult. The last thing I had in mind was to go through an operation especially with the fact that my mom wasn't there with me. Ryan was but you know it's different having your mom around during those times.

It hurt a lot. But the doctor was very nice. I just hope my eye gets better. I am supposed to remove the bandage tomorrow. It's hard to deal with life with only one eye, having my left eye covered. I'm just glad that Ryan was there running back and forth to the atm machine to get me some more money because what I initially brought wasn't enough to pay for the operation bill.

My mom and I got into a fight over the phone and I feel guilty because I shouldn't have said all the things I said that hurt her a lot when I know that she is gonna suffer by being forced to pay for my bills and medications since I am jobless. It's sad because she's celebrating her 57th bday 2 days from now and I've been such a jerk.

I'll have to make it up to her. I hope things get better soon.

Now my eye hurts a bit, but I hurt even more. Awts. Til next time.

First for June

Another long *sigh*. I am so frustrated. Some have achieved while others have failed. But today, what made it worse is that they still think I'm this little girl who cannot take care of herself. I am already 21 years old. Of legal age - even to gamble. But I'm not even talking about "me-wanting-to-enter-the-casino" gamble. I want to gamble with my life. I want to take full charge of it because this is mine. I'm not a kid anymore and people just have to realize that.

I know they care so much about me but their caring tends to be suffocating. I know they aren't strict and all but what they are doing to me is making my mind go crazy with all their talk. And so I'd rather lock myself up inside my room and only go out whenever I'm hungry or thirsty. Sometimes I even eat and drink inside my room only to avoid hearing what they have to say that I already know. Sigh.

I appreciate what they are trying to do but please, let me be. I know what's right from what is wrong. So let me decide on my own. I don't need anybody telling what to do because it only numbs my ears. I've heard it all before and I don't need to hear it again. I wish to get older so they may finally let go of me.

It's not funny anymore. I just wanna be with the person I love and each time I go out of the house, people keep asking me where I'm going. If I tell them I'm going out with him, would they let me? I don't think so. Because they keep negative thoughts in their minds about where I'm going and what I'm gonna do. I don't wanna lie. I just can't tell them everything because they wouldn't understand. It's just so frustrating. Sigh.

I wanna be free. I thought I was but still I'm tied down for only God knows how long. :( This is a sad life. Being with him is the only happiness I get. I wouldn't want anyone to take that away from me. Please, I beg of you. Set me free.

Boredom

Sigh... I know there are lots of things I could do but I just can't figure out which one to start. Hence, I'm just here, lying on my bed, wasting my time. I woke up past 11am, having no plans for the day and the rest of the week since Ryan and I agreed that we're going to see each other only after four days straight. We were together yesterday and we've planned to see each other on Saturday. Also, we are going for another swim this Sunday. This time, it's going to be with my relatives from the side of my father.

Also, I am now on my 4th day of dieting. It gets harder and harder each day. Ryan and I ate some great food yesterday and I especially adored the oreo cheesecake! Yummy! After that meal, I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Today I ate 2 bites of skyflakes, 3 small pcs of chocolates, and some soup. I guess that's enough to get me through the night. :) Tomorrow will even be a greater challenge. Sigh.

I didn't get anything done today. All I did was to use the computer the entire day. I need to get a life. I need to start soon but I don't know how. Maybe I'm just scared of failing again after all those times I've tried.