Thoughts of an exhausted mom

June 16, 2023

Hi. It's me. I haven't written anything in over four years. Today, like most days, I am struggling with motherhood. I never thought it would be this hard. Every day I'm in survival mode. I don't know how long I can take this. My kids are constantly fighting and hurting each other. I don't take sides because that doesn't help. Still, I feel like a failure. 

I have been a full-time mom since my son was born. That was seven years ago. Yes, it was hard back then, but not like this. We were so happy when we found out we were having a daughter. Everything was going great. 2022 was when things started falling apart. That was the year when my kids started fighting non-stop. Nothing I did or said made them stop. My husband also started getting fed up with the kids. He is constantly hot-headed when it comes to them. I'm writing my feelings down so I don't keep them bottled up. Otherwise, I'd explode anytime soon. All I ever wanted was to become a mother. But now, I don't know why I wanted to be one. I'd hate to say that I regret it. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids with my whole heart, body and soul. But days like this make me feel I shouldn't have brought this hell upon myself, that I don't deserve any of this shit. All I ever did was love them, care for them, watch over them to make sure they don't die from all the accidents they find themselves in. What did I ever do wrong to deserve this? I don't know anymore. 

There were days when I'd cry myself to sleep, willing this hell to go away on its own. Then I remembered that having a child was what I wanted, and God gave me two. This is the life I wished for. I could only hope and pray that God would continuously give me the strength to face each day in this battlefield with my kids. I am writing this so that when they're all grown, they'd get to read this and laugh with me - that's if I make it out of here alive.

Thoughts of a 34 week pregnant lady

Today is the 2nd of June 2019 and I am exactly 34 weeks pregnant. I will get to meet my baby girl in 2 weeks provided my scan results show that I can hold off delivery til then.

When I got pregnant the first time, I thought that would be the only pregnancy I'll have in this lifetime. I never imagined life with 2 kids. I never asked God for a second child but He chose to give me another one to take care of. I feel so blessed.

I had a smooth start in this second pregnancy with less meds to take and less frequent checkups with my doctor. However, on my 24th week, my OB noticed a diastolic bloodflow restriction of the umbilical artery which signified I may have APAS. I cried. I cannot believe that I'd have this disorder which I've heard of several times from other women suffering from it. And this was to add on top of my complication of  gestational diabetes.

I was asked to get the workup and it turned out positive. To keep my pregnancy, I had to inject Innohep daily and started at the lowest dose of .35mL which was constantly increased by my immunologist depending on my weekly scan results. Currently, I'm at .70mL a day which is twice as much as my initial dose.

Having APAS created a huge dent on our budget. What I initially thought as a smooth sailing and less expensive pregnancy turned out into something else. I found myself running back and forth to the pharmacy to get my supply of Innohep plus other meds and vitamins. I am not complaining though. I am willing to do anything for my baby girl to survive.

Week after week, as I enter the clinic for a scan, I can't help but worry about my results. Will my Innohep dose be increased again? Do I have to take the expensive IVIG infusion that I'm sure we cannot afford? But most importantly, I wonder if my baby is still alive. My heart is pounding each time I go for a checkup. Tomorrow, I will be coming in for another one. Wish me luck!

To my first born, I love you with all my heart. I cannot imagine having to take away some of our time together for I need to care of your little sister. But please know that you are so so so important to me and that I love you more than words can ever say. I can't help but feel sad that you'd have to share me with your sister when she arrives. I know that you are a good boy and that you'd understand. I hope that you guys will love each other. I promise to give you the attention and love that you have gotten used to even if it means I don't get to sleep anymore.

I know you didn't ask to be an older brother this soon. Please know that I will do my very best for you and your sister and I will multiply my love and energy for you both.

I love you so so so much,
Mommy Shane

We conceived naturally!

Our IUI baby turned 2 years old last October 28th. Having a toddler meant having little to no time at all for myself. My husband and I weren't really trying for a second baby simply because we can hardly handle the demands of our only child. Sometimes we'd talk about trying for a second baby in maybe 3 to 5 years. We'd constantly talk about our willingness to go through IUI again and all the risks we might have to face considering I have pre-diabetes and had to take insulin shots for the duration of my pregnancy along with other pregnancy-related issues.

If I didn't have any complications, I'd be willing to try for another baby much sooner. I just felt so overwhelmed imaging myself having to manage a toddler while injecting insulin, rushing to put the needles away before my son gets his hands on them.

For several months, I have noticed that my egg white cervical mucus had been quite spot on. 14 days after having it, my period would come. Last October 21st, I noticed that I had it and asked my husband that maybe we can try this time. I'm not sure if it would work considering we never got pregnant naturally in over 3 years of trying.

And so we baby danced past midnight - it was already October 22nd.

We had an intimate celebration of our son's second birthday on October 28th with our family and close friends not knowing what lay ahead. I counted 14 days from October 21st so I'd know when to expect my period. Come November 4th, it still wasn't there.

On the night of November 7th, I asked my husband to pick up some pregnancy tests for me. I was so certain it’ll turn out negative and that my period is just around the corner. It was already bed time but I couldn't wait til the next morning to test using my first morning urine so I went ahead and tested.

Lo and behold, I saw a colorless second line come up within the time limit, much like the initial result I had with my first pregnancy. I felt like my eyes were just playing tricks on me so I called my husband to the bathroom to come take a look and he saw the same thing which meant, I wasn't imagining things! I got another test, held my pee for another 2 hours and got the same result.

The next morning, I kept my first morning urine in a cup while I went out to get a blood test to confirm my pregnancy and got myself some more pregnancy test kits. I got home and tested again and the second line was much much clearer this time. I had to wait for a few more hours til I got the blood test result which turned out POSITIVE. I cannot believe it. After so many years of trying and resorting to IUI, conceiving naturally was never really on the table for us. We have accepted that we'd have to do the IUI again if we really wanted another child. We cannot express how happy we are. This is the biggest surprise of our lives and I cannot wait to hold him or her, our little miracle. I cannot thank God enough for this unexpected blessing and will do my very best to have a healthy pregnancy.

Fetal 2d echo - continued; other updates

I went back for my baby's 2d echo part 2 on September 24th and he was more behaved during the scan. I told the doctor it's because my hubby was with me and that our baby is scared of his daddy. :) The doctor was able to check everything else which turned out normal however, she wasn't able to view the pulmonary artery due to the unfavorable position of the baby and his age.

The fetal 2d echo is supposed to be done at 27-29 weeks and I was already 30 weeks and 6 days on Part 1 and 31 weeks and 2 days on Part 2. I just hope and pray that everything is fine with my baby's pulmonary artery.

During my last check-up at 32 weeks, he was already weighing about 4 lbs or 1,793 grams. :) He also had a perfect score on his BPS/BPP.

Due to my pre-term labor scare at 28 weeks and 6 days, my new ob advised me to inject steroids (betamethasone) for my baby's lung maturity. In effect, my blood sugar levels were elevated for a week. I'm so glad it's back to normal levels now.

My next check-up will be this coming Thursday at exactly 33 weeks. My doctor will be injecting tetanus toxoid in preparation for my delivery. Another big needle encounter!!! I'm not afraid of small needles though.

I can't believe how fast time flew by. It's October now so I can finally say, I'm giving birth next month!!! :)

Fetal 2d Echo at 30 weeks and 6 days

I transferred to a different doctor last September 13th, who specializes in Perinatology. She asked me if I've already done a Fetal 2d Echo. I told her I haven't and that I've done the Congenital Anomaly Scan (CAS) which turned out perfectly. She told me that she requires all her diabetic pregnant patients to do this test at 27-29 weeks because poorly controlled diabetes can damage the baby's heart vessels but she also explained that it's only for good measure, not that she saw anything wrong with my baby's heart in the regular ultrasound.

When I finished the CAS in July, I felt so relieved but being asked to do the Fetal 2d Echo made me frightened for my baby once again. My doctor told me that the Fetal 2d Echo is more detailed and precise at gauging the health of my baby's heart and so I had to do it. I was scheduled on September 21st at 30 weeks and 6 days since that's the clinic's earliest and only available slot.

We started at 2:15 pm and was asked to take a break at 2:45 pm because my baby was moving a lot, making it hard for the doctor to get a clear view of his heart.

At around 4:05 pm, we resumed and got a few good shots but was asked to take a break once more. My baby is acting up real bad, taking all sorts of somersaults in there. At past 4:30 pm, my doctor came back and I told her that the baby is still moving a lot. So she just asked me to come back on Saturday, September 24th at 3:30 pm.

The doctor told me that we're done with about 70% of the test and so far, everything looks normal. But she has to finish the remaining 30% because it's a vital part of the test and she needs to see it.

I'm scheduled to come back tomorrow. I hope and pray that my baby cooperates this time and that his heart is perfectly fine.

Although not included in the fee, she threw in a 3d ultrasound of my baby's face and printed one photo for me. I've already done the 3d scan last September 4th at a different clinic. Had I know that I'd be given a free photo, I wouldn't have gone ahead and paid for a separate 3d scan earlier. But how was I to know, right?

My baby looks chubbier now than how he looked at 28 weeks and 3 days. Here's the comparison of the two scans:

Baby at 28 weeks and 3 days

Baby at 30 weeks and 6 days

I'm just so eager to hold my baby in my arms. November, please come sooner!!! :)

29th week checkup

On September 7th, my brother took me to the hospital for my regular weekly checkup. This was me, all smiles, eager to get an update on how my baby is doing.

I was second in line at my doctor's clinic. She didn't want to me get tired and hungry while waiting so she put me on priority for all of my remaining check ups. Here's her findings on baby and me: Everything is okay with my cervix, my amniotic fluid is adequate, biophysical scoring is perfect. Downside is, I still have placenta previa partialis and now my baby has cord coil which prompted my doctor to endorse me for NST (Non stress test) which is supposed to be scheduled next week.

I told my doctor that I had a 3D ultrasound last Sunday and that our baby looked like my husband so she took a picture of my baby's face too. :) Here's my hubby and baby's face side by side. They really do look alike, especially their lips. :)

Here I was, undergoing my first-ever NST which I thought would last for only a maximum of 40 mins but was prolonged because I had mild contractions every 7-8 mins.

My doctor held me there for almost 6 hours. They had to inject Terbutaline to stop my contractions. I was told that I could be confined if my contractions didn't stop within 30 mins from the injection. My hubby went straight to the hospital from work. This is him, taking a quick rest.

He borrowed my other blanket because our room was so cold. I was given a thicker one.

Since we had to stay longer, they asked us to have our dinner. So my hubby went ahead and bought some food.

My supposedly ordinary day turned out to be extraordinary and something I will never forget. I didn't feel any pain at all and they said it's normal because my contractions were only mild but is detected by their monitor. I got discharged past midnight and asked to come back on Saturday for my follow-up check up. Hope everything turns out well. I don't want to experience this again. Hope my baby stays in my belly until the second week of November.

3D Ultrasound at 28 weeks

I belong to this online forum and several moms there recommended having a 3D/4D ultrasound at Baby Ultrasound - Robinsons Place Manila branch.

I scheduled it at 28 weeks and 3 days and specifically travelled there on a Sunday to avoid heavy traffic.

My brother drove for hubby and I and my mom also tagged along, eager to see her very first apo (grandchild in Filipino).

I was #18 on their list for that day since I came in past 4pm and had to wait about 1.5 hours for my turn. Their cut-off is at 6pm. I chose the basic package with (4) 4R printouts worth P1,500 and P50 for each additional printout. I added just one so I got 5 prints in total. Overall, I'm super satisfied with their service and the staff are nice too. :)

Here's my baby's best pic and the proof of his manhood! Hahahaha :)